Childhood

brown wooden armchair on brown wooden floor
Photo by Marcelo Jaboo on Pexels.com

 

CHILDHOOD

Chair in the corner of the dining room,

and Daddy sitting in it, and only the orange glow from the ashes,

and gray puffs of smoke,

gave any signal of human presence.

Otherwise it was just the darkness and a chair in the corner,

otherwise it was just daddy in the dark and all alone.

I watched the firelight from the cigarette, as a child,

and wondered why the night was so black,

and why Daddy was so alone, and why voices rang out in the night.

I thought of Mama in the next room sleeping,

and I wondered why I was so small, and why Mama and Daddy never laughed.

And I felt like the night, cold,

and like Daddy,

and like Mama.

so all alone.

Copyright 2019, Jenny W. Andrews

 

My poetry book “Life at the End of the Rainbow” is currently available at Amazon/Kindle. I would love to hear any feedback about my poetry. Thanks.

-Jenny

 

Random Thoughts in a Coffee Shop: Part II

It’s a rainy, cool afternoon. I see large raindrops pelt the coffee shop window; cars are a blur in the watery world. The past few weeks have been difficult because someone I love dearly has a major mental health issue that no amount of love can rescue this person from. I’ve tried; I’ve failed. But, in my previous post I’ve already gone over that. So, I won’t repeat myself.

Below are a few random thoughts that have occurred to me over the past few weeks; please, do not judge me for these thoughts. These thoughts have bubbled up from a place of hurt and disillusionment. Some are rather humorous, however. Feel free to leave a comment and share some of your random thoughts.

Here goes:

Love isn’t a game, although some people treat it as if it were.

Pretending something is okay doesn’t make it okay.

Pretending isn’t living; it’s lying.

Sharing kinship with someone can be poisonous.

Forgiving sets you up for further abuse. Hard. Stop.

Just because it is the truth doesn’t mean it should be said.

Lies can be the kindest mercy of all.

Dogs are healers.

Cats really get you when you say you want to be alone.

Broken relationships can’t be fixed; broken is broken. Period.

Family is not, is not everything.

Mental health is everything.

Mental health is everything.

You are not obligated to rescue everybody.

Caring for yourself is not selfish; it is necessary.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

Random Thoughts in a Coffee Shop

Ok.

It’s a cloudy cool afternoon in late spring. Sweet scent of jasmine is wafting through my window. Rain is approaching; clouds the color of steel mass in the darkening distance.

It has been a long week. Someone I love dearly is struggling with mental health issues. After decades of trauma and abuse, this person’s life has finally boiled over into that dark abyss from which it is doubtful this person will ever recover. I am an optimist usually; but, I am also a realist when the brutal truth sucker punches me.

I honestly tried to save this person by standing with them, by never retaliating no matter how abusive their words and actions were to me. I thought that I could somehow lead them out of the dark abyss of mental illness. I prayed for them; I gave them a prayer card; I listened to their endless tirades and angry accusations. I attempted to have a servant’s heart; I attempted to be God’s hands. I attempted to lift this person out of the darkness of mental illness. Alas, I know that it was hubris to even entertain the notion that I have the power to achieve such a thing. Truth is mental health issues are often about brain chemistry coupled with environment, nature, nurture, et cetera.

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted by the storm that is this person’s life. I have had to walk away to stop myself from being pulled under along with them. I cannot bear the brunt of this person’s rage. I cannot, simply put. I have to put the life jacket on myself to keep myself from drowning.

Growing up I remember seeing signs that said “Jesus Saves.” I truly believe that he does. However, there are those situations and circumstances in which we have to step back and let Jesus save those whom we love. Sometimes, in our deep love for others, we get it twisted and think that we can save someone whom we love.

We can’t.

I can’t save this person whom I love dearly. I tried, and I failed.

I commend this person into God’s hands and pray that angels surround them and give them the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I have used the pronouns they and them to protect the identity of this person.

Please pray for those who suffer from mental illness. And, for those of us who loved them dearly.

My heart is broken.

Prayers.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

New Day/New Year

So, it’s April Fool’s Day. In researching the origins of this day in history it appears that once upon a time around 1582 Pope Gregory XIII decided to shift the first day of the new year from April 1st to January 1st.

He had his reasons.

Previously, the Julian Calendar considered the Spring Equinox (April 1st) to be the beginning of the new year.

Which makes sense to me since flowers begin to bloom, animals come out of hibernation, people fall in love. . . it’s the season of rebirth, renewal, sunshine, flowers, and longer days.

So, if I had lived back in the day when Pope Gregory XIII was regaling the known world with his opinions and ideas, I would have been considered a fool because I would have continued celebrating the new year on April 1st.

(I might have done it just to be contrary).

Well, that brings me to my garden and my love for spring and all things spring: Colorful flowers newly blooming, birds soaring across the blue sky, squirrels skittering along my fence, and that warm sunshine and long days that lift my soul and make me smile and make me remember God’s promise of newness.

Yep, I’ve decided to celebrate the new year on April 1st from now on. . .

So, Happy New Year 2023!

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

It’s Good to Forget

Forgetting.

This is an interesting word: Forgetting.

Often times, we associate forgetting with a negative. Sure, we don’t want to forget our car keys or forget to pick our kids up at school, or forget the faces of our loved ones.

But.

Forgetting has a liberating aspect to it, too. There is emotional and spiritual freedom in forgetting. Of course, we never truly “forget” those wounds that this life can inflict on our souls.

But.

How can we move on if we set up housekeeping in a past that we can never, ever change? How can we make room for the joys of the present moment if we continuously ruminate about the traumas of the past?

The past will always loom in those quiet, shadowy corners of our existence. Once done, actions can never be undone. Once said, words can never be unspoken. Once written, those words can never truly be unwritten.

Memories can be triggered by what is seemingly inconsequential events: the squeal of tires on asphalt, a frighteningly familiar face in an airport terminal that turns out to be mistaken identity, the scent of Old Spice cologne in a crowded store, raindrops pelting a tin roof in the middle of the night. Yes, there are a multitude of triggers that dredge up memories that aren’t always comforting.

What to do with memories that aren’t always comforting, memories that can be triggered, that lay dormant beneath the surface of our lives until resurrected by something we hadn’t really noticed? Until, we did. And, those memories hurl us into a dark abyss and dump us into that darkness once again.

Isaiah 43:18 says: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”

Isaiah 43:19 says: “See, I am doing a new thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in a wasteland.”

God promises us that He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Isn’t this life like a wilderness? We wander lost and we suffer from thirst deep down in our souls.

But.

God promises us, His children, that He is making a way for us. He promises us that He will make streams in the wasteland.

God always keeps His promises.

He tells us not to dwell on the past.

He promises us that He is doing a new thing.

So, how do we move on from the past? How do we not dwell there in those dark spaces?

Joshua 1:9 says: “Have I not commanded you?” ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go’.”

Trust that God will be with you even when you are in those dark spaces, trust that God is always with you.

God is greater than any fear that we have. God is greater than any anxiety or depression that we might have. God is greater than any past trauma that burdens us and attempts to spoil the joy that we have in this beautiful moment called the present.

To forget is not an easy action, but with God’s perfect love and His absolute protection, we can move on from the past.

After all, Our God has promised us.

Trust in God with all your heart, mind and soul.

And, that is the way to forget the past.

Because He is making a way in the wilderness for each of us.

God’s peace to each of you.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

The Importance of Thoughts

Just about an hour ago I was scrolling through a news website and couldn’t help but notice the total and complete inundation of negative and disturbing stories.

If you spend just a few moments trying to catch up on the news of the day, you will feel emotionally battered and be left feeling fearful, suspicious, depressed and anxious.

Well, it just so happens that earlier I had been reading the greatest book ever written, The Holy Bible. It gives me inspiration; it gives me hope; it uplifts my soul.

Its word fills up those dark spaces where fear and anxiety gather to rob me of my joy. God’s word gives me peace. In fact, it guarantees it.

Philippians 4: 7 says: And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 8 says: Finally, Breathen, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:9 says: These things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Think on these things.

These things that are honest, lovely, pure, just, and of good report.

These things will give us God’s peace.

Our thoughts matters. If we fill our minds with negative news then we will not have joy; we will not have peace.

So, switch off the news and turn your thoughts to the Good News of Jesus Christ and the peace of God’s absolute love, comfort, and protection.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

Hyacinths on a Window Sill

Often times, people use air freshener to spruce up the way their homes smells.

Well, the other morning I woke up and I was greeted with the soft, sweet scent of the hyacinths that I had bought the night before at the grocery store.

What a wonderfully natural air freshener! No chemicals! Just the soft, scent of flowers in bloom, just like nature intended.

So, the next time you are perusing the cleaning aisle in search of air freshener in an aerosol can or a chemical plug in or a candle, consider buying flowers instead. Flowers are safer because they do not emit chemicals. Flowers, rather than aerosol cans, do not harm the environment. Plants purify the air, in fact.

And, an added bonus is that flowers are a mood booster. Their beautiful colors inspire joy; their sweet scent quite simply makes us happy.

Happiness and joy are not difficult to achieve. Just place flowers in your house and spend quiet time simply enjoying them.

Rather than spending a sunny day inside your home tapping away at your computer or phone, consider going outside and planting a garden. Imagine the sheer beauty of bringing those flowers inside and placing them in vases for you to enjoy.

It’s nearing spring, so get started with your planting.

You will find joy.

And, joy, after all, is within your reach.

Just get started!

Have a lovely week.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

Daffodils Are Nature’s Smile

It has been awhile since I wrote on my blog. I have been busy preparing my poetry and short story collection manuscripts to submit to a publisher.

Last year, I removed my self-published books from Amazon/Kindle for a variety of reasons that I don’t want to go into here.

A new year means no looking back.

A new year means starting right now and maintaining a forward momentum.

A new year means emphasizing gratefulness for the beauty that is in this very moment, rather than looking backward into the past with regret and sadness.

Happiness is something that can only be discovered when we let go of the irritating expectation that we have to be perfect. Happiness is living our own authentic lives without worrying about other people’s opinions about us.

I am a writer; I simply love to write. I love the way words come together to create an image. It is like word art. Words can inspire; and, unfortunately words can destroy. Words are sacred.

When choosing my words, I choose to use healing words. Kindness. Love. Encouragement. I am an optimist because I have joy in my heart regardless of what happens around me. I trust in God and believe that no matter what the next day brings the sun in its golden glory will rise anew. I get up early mornings to watch the sun rise and I give thanks to God for another day, another chance to live this life. Hopefully, I make a difference in someone’s life. Hopefully, I inspire with the words I speak; hopefully, I inspire with the words I write.

In my garden, beautiful, delicate, yellow daffodils have started to pop up. I smile each time I see them as they sway in the cool morning breeze and the sunlight sparkles off of their petals.

Daffodils are nature’s smiles. The brilliant yellow is like sunshine as a flower.

So, in the morning, consider rising early and watching the sun as it wakes up the world with its golden hues. Consider the brevity of this life and consider what an absolute miracle it is that you have the opportunity to see the sunlight, to hear the birds singing, to just live.

Life is a miracle.

Too often, the media emphasizes negativity.

Consider turning off social media and the news and consider planting some daffodils instead.

Daffodils will make you smile!

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2023

Merry Christmas!

As all my readers well know by now, I love to walk in gardens and take photos. Just the other day I posted a beautiful flower. On that day, I also took a photo of this beautiful holly tree. It is such a Christmas classic-red holly berries against deep green leaves.

No doubt, Christmas can bring sadness when it dredges up bad memories. Not everyone’s family reflects love and compassion; some are the walking wounded for whom this time of year is a painful reminder of cruelty, criticism and abandonment.

But, there is a family that does reflect love and compassion. The Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph reminds us that we who are believers in Christ’s promises are members of the eternal family of God.

In this family, we find joy and and assurance that no matter how dark the night, there is a light in that darkness that shines for all eternity for those who believe in Christ.

His light shines upon us and leads us to a peaceful place in our souls.

Christmas is a season that reminds me of that light in the darkness; that star high above me that shines with God’s eternal and infinite love and compassion.

Christ promises us rest in Matthew 11:28 when he says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

Rest.

Rest.

Don’t we all need rest? Haven’t we all grown quite weary with the burdens of the past few years? To say we have all been traumatized is indeed an understatement.

In this Christmas season, look towards the light that shines in the darkness. Look towards Christ and be assured that wherever you are or whoever you are that you are loved beyond human measure. Be assured that you belong to the family of God, that you are loved.

Listen to Christ’s promise: “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

And believe.

Merry Christmas!

Jenny w. Andrews copyright 2022

A Walk in Winter

On this chilly, gray overcast, windy winter afternoon, I took a walk in a garden near my house. I saw this beautifully red flower with raindrops on its petals. Such beauty! I took a photo and just had to share it with the world.

As with enter this winter season, we tend to fear the ravishes of cold and the uncertainty of a new year. We look behind ourselves and oftentimes regret those things we failed to accomplish in the past twelve months.

The past slaps us in the face as it slowly dawns on us that we wasted precious time with empty pursuits, such as scrolling websites on our phones or binge watching Netflix.

We can never get back wasted time.

Truly time waits for nobody.

Such are the thoughts that ran through my mind as I walked in the garden and noticed flowers in various stages of life and decay. This beautiful flower was still aflame with life and vibrant beauty. But, one day it will, too, fade away.

So, I captured its image with my camera so that I can be reminded of beauty, of the brilliance of life.

Before it fades away.

As we move into 2023, into a new year filled with the unknown, please be reminded that time is fleeting, but life is still a blessing.

Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Do not waste a second being fearful; have courage; trust in God and know that you are never alone in your despair.

Have courage to accomplish your goals for 2023. Do not waste a second. Life is precious; life is fleeting.

And, life is magnificently beautiful.

Take a walk in a garden on a chilly winter afternoon and be amazed by flowers that are still in bloom.

Copyright Jenny W. Andrews 2022

Rose in a Garden: Peace

On this cool autumn Sunday afternoon I walked in the garden and enjoyed the tranquil beauty of roses. This particular rose caught my attention with its soft pink shade. Such peacefulness can be found in a garden. Just walking around and enjoying beautiful colors, the singing of birds high in the oak branches, and the coolness of autumn breezes can surely lift your mood.

So, as we approach the holiday season, take the time to just walk in a garden and not give in to the stresses that often come with the unrealistic expectations of this upcoming holiday season.

God has truly blessed us with an astonishingly beautiful world; keep that in perspective in these coming weeks.

Simplicity is best; do not overburden yourself with unrealistic expectations (from yourself or from others).

We only have one chance at this beautiful life, so make the best of each moment.

Take a walk in a garden.

Enjoy the roses, the birdsong, the cool breezes that sweep across the earth.

Keep this life in perspective. There is indeed light at the end of each dark tunnel.

God is in control. God loves each and every one of us.

You are not alone.

If in this holiday season you start to feel too stressed and alone, please reach out to someone.

2023 is just around the corner; it is a new year to dream again and to set goals and to grow closer to God.

For now, take a walk in a garden and contemplate God’s love. Stand in the silence and just know that there is a tomorrow and you are loved.

Jenny W. Andrews copyright 2022